; Cwyn's Death By Tea: Dog Gone Mad ;

Saturday, December 19, 2015

Dog Gone Mad

Today the pu heads of the world officially received notice that white2tea has a new tea ware shop called teaware.house. All week I’ve been in a constant state of anxiety in anticipation of the “announcement,” steeling myself against whatever else might hit my hoarding tendencies. As if I don’t have enough problems already defending myself from over-shopping the likes of white2tea puerh and Chawangshop heicha, which have become borderline obsessions. Now, I can admit the exact nature of my mental illnesses around everything regarding tea because I don’t see any shame whatsoever in buying as much tea and tea ware as I can possibly afford. Perhaps this could be my advanced age where I don’t give a rat’s arse anymore. Or, as I’ve suspected all along, TwoDog is one sick puppy.

This is a guy who, standing on my ex-husband’s patio this summer, told me absolutely straight faced, after very thoughtfully handing me a “cha hai” he bought that day in a secondhand thrift charity shop: “You shouldn’t spend money on tea ware. You can buy stuff like this at the thrift shops and sell it for a ton online,” he says. Why would I do that when I can buy Mirka Randova and Petr Novak instead? But, whatever… so he is by far more reasonable with his money than I am, to each person their own, right?

Manganese glaze "cha hai," gift from TwoDog. Found at a charity shop.
Photographed white2tea style by Cwyn. Shadows....
Likely a souvenir from Old World Wisconsin, in Eagle, WI  a re-enactment historical
tourist destination. Though this exact pitcher can also be found
at Historic Jamestowne, VA. American historical tourist sites have an odd uniformity
in souvenirs, even when the sites are supposed to be 100 years apart in era.
Yet it gets worse. During the same tea session he says, “You really shouldn’t spend money on tea,” causing me something of a panic because I’d already been banned from spending money at white2tea since late 2014 and was hoping to work my way around to asking him to lift the ban. Now, does it make any sense to you, at all, that a tea vendor tells someone not to buy any tea? Or bar them from their shop? Last year I was banned with an email which said “If you buy anything I will refund your money in a blind rage.”

TwoDog isn’t the only tea vendor who has banned me from buying and likely won’t be the last. I’ve been banned for all kinds of reasons. For instance, I don’t think I’m allowed near the Yunnan Sourcing dumpster any time soon.  But the white2tea ban of 2014-2015 was most worrying, as my tea friends can testify, what with all the anxious emails I sent over this past year, wondering if I dared try to buy anything. This summer, with anxiety mounting over the new 2015 teas, and whether I will actually be able to buy any of them, I was brave and asked anyway if he would lift the ban. “Well, I’ll just send you some tea,” was the answer.

Sweet, but I don’t understand. Where am I supposed to buy tea? I might be banned from Bend, Oregon, but at least I can still order online from Yunnan Sourcing, and a friend of mine just moved to Medford so I have another inroad to Bend anyhow. Cutting the online vein full of needle sticks doesn’t cure the heroin addict, and won’t help the puerh hoarder either. Even more puzzling, TwoDog said something like “I have 3 metric tons of puerh stored in two countries.”

Can I order from the storage garage then?

Despite the ambiguity, in late July I bravely placed a Bosch cake in the cart and checked out. I kept looking at my emails nervously for a few days, wondering if I would need to get James at TeaDB to order it for me. But the Bosch arrived, and you may have seen that review. Then I successfully managed to get a 72 Hours, crossing my fingers and hoping that K. at white2tea might pack it up and ship it before TwoDog caught wind of it. Sure enough, that order arrived as well. “I’m in the clear,” I thought. So it seemed, until a tea ware package arrived this week. What is this??  

Partial glaze teapot from teaware.house.

“I have too much tea ware,” he says, I rented a storage unit.”

TwoDog is a hoarder. 

Yes, all the weirdness starts to make sense. Or so I thought. I mean, I was absolutely certain I finally understood the nature of the odd relationship I have with this vendor because I have plenty of tea hoarder friends and they all start babbling nonsense when I suggest I’m on my way over. You can diagnose a hoarder when a perfectly rational person rambles incoherently when you hit on their items of choice. Just listen for the normally logical person to lose it like an Alzheimer’s patient lurking by the locked door in the nursing facility. Sudden lapses in reasoning are your clues, and I completely missed it. A guy that supposedly is selling tea, but then won't sell it? It’s a hoarding issue!!! Yes!! Finally figured it all out, or merely saw the obvious that I failed to see all along.

Until I found this postcard in the box TwoDog sent me this week. Oh, I was wrong. Well not entirely wrong, but really, really clueless.

Double blacked out, you tea heads are not getting MY code

I get it now.

So I sent the following email:

Receiving this [postcard] on a slightly off tilt day, I can understand completely your feelings for me because I knew at once that I'm the old Hungarian lady on the Bosch cake, and I have known all along what you are trying to say. In a way I can somewhat say it is reciprocal, you and your lady friend are very cute indeed, especially if you have another 30-40 lbs each on your frames just because you are both a bit skinny, but I can certainly fix that. Aside from this, I'm sure you can tell that being the pansexual I am, I can more or less go any way without preference, although I'm slightly more favoring women only because physically men become more difficult due to my own age-related hormonal loss.

Setting that issue aside, okay, I can certainly meet you in your location of choice, though I will admit that while you have indeed walked through my dreams, it has been more of an amorphous kind of connection as opposed to purely amorous, but hey, I'm truly and honestly flexible and I was, after all, raised by a tootsie for a mother.

Now I can certainly escalate my communication with you to several times a day and you can only imagine how hurt I would be if you change your mind on all this, but I am certain that you won't, even though I will start checking in with you several times a day, just to be certain, and so you can see where we'll end up. I'm not particularly the jealous type anymore but I can imagine it, given a young man as cute as yourself.

So, do you see where this might go if you send this out to a dozen other old ladies like me? I think you snapped your cap. This is what I mean by restraining orders and while K and your other younger ladies might not be familiar with restraining orders, I'm sure they can appreciate the concept.

I want to say that I did take my meds this morning, and will again this evening. Unless you think I shouldn't.

All the best and thanks so much, truly and most willingly I remain,

Your unrequited Love,


P.S. You did really send the tea, right? And I can still order tea, correct? Just checking. I will check again tomorrow too.

P.P.S. Thank you so much, I have a hard time receiving gifts and I hope you can accept the humor and forgive.