; Cwyn's Death By Tea: 2015 Best Gifts for the Pu Hoarder ;

Sunday, December 13, 2015

2015 Best Gifts for the Pu Hoarder

Every year we see a plethora of articles and adverts with “gifts for the tea lover.” Let me repeat again this year: no one wants tea for Christmas or for Boxing Day. We won’t drink that gift tea box you're thinking about buying, and you can trust me on that because I still have gift tea in the cupboard with intact plastic (in)sanity wrap. And I don’t need a tea cup necklace or whatever you think I can wear aside from my own Cwyn’s “I drink pu” t- shirt which, if you are really stumped for ideas, you can buy right here off my site and fund my tea habit. On the high end, we don’t need a $600 pair of Ferragamo loafers and a set of teaware, unless of course I'm buying these for myself.

If you are really and truly shopping for the Pu Freak in your life, then I’ve got The List for you. In fact, any of these gift ideas will work year round, and you can buy in bulk and truly, bulk is always better. So here it is, Cwyn’s 2015 Best Tea Gifts for the Puerh Hoarder.

Mold Brush

Here we have a nice model from Taiwan with a pretty gift box that the Puerh Lover can use to brush his cakes. People send me moldy cakes every month in the mail simply because they lack a dedicated mold cleaning utensil. If you don’t want the gift box, and your budget is severely strained, you can find a plain pine wood mold brush down at the hardware store, and decorate it yourself.  Gifts are nicer with Characters on the package. They show you made an effort.

Water jacket

Water jacket from treehugger.com

Is your puerh stoner resentful because he can’t bring his gong fu to a tailgate party? This jacket doubles as a warmer and hot water holder to dispense right into the gaiwan.

BMW Water Reservoir

Check out this water reservoir from motorcyclistonline.com

She can brew the pu in advance and hop on the Harley with this thoughtful dispenser from BMW motors.

Apollo Super Tank 3.0

The puerh freak isn’t messing around. Forget those bamboo thermoses for traveling with hot water. He absolutely needs this 3.0 liter Super Tank, serious stainless steel tea ware here. He will perk right up when you say “It comes from Korea, baby.” This one will cost you too, big time. The 3.0 liter is $83. For a real honker, check out the Apollo 3000 model ringing in at $99.

The Tong Traveler

Puerh Tong holder

You absolutely can take it with you. This vintage Regal pie carrier will hold a decent tong of 9 inch 357g cakes with room to spare. If you like a bit of charm, you can find plenty of other pie tins painted with flowers and whatnot. Look for models that have the locking carry bar over the lid. Search for this model and others with keywords “vintage pie carrier” on eBay.com.

Medline Side Swing Arm Commode Chair

Available from walmart.com and activeforever.com,
just to name a few. On Medicaid? It's free for you.

Alas, what goes in very often comes out the other end. You can save yourself a mess on the floor with this commode chair. It has plenty of room at the side for a gaiwan and cup set-up.

Bariatric Extra Wide

Bariatric model from medidri.com.
Medicaid folks, just tell your doctor you need this.

If you live above Hwy 10 in Wisconsin, you’ll need a heftier model and Old Cwyn’s got you covered.

Clear Plastic PVC Hose

Various sizes available from embalmers.com

He’s had that tea tray for awhile now, and the plastic drainage hose looks brown, and a little scummy. Nothing wrong with that, but for some people scummy hose is a little embarrassing when the neighbors come over, even when they don’t want any tea, which they generally don’t. The real pu head doesn’t waste that $600/beeng rinse when tea drainage systems make a convenient enema. Buy replacement hoses extra long and cleanly snip off the used end! I recommend the Medline Swing Arm Commode as a companion gift.

Linen back pillow

Online shopping companion back pillow for a tea hoarder.

No worry about stains with natural linen, tea splatters just add to the charm. Look for handmade models if you want something special, like this one from etsy.com. Or search for “Che Guevaro linen pillow.” The pot heads don’t got nothing on us when it comes to freedom, man.

Outdoor Meat House

So she’s finally kicked you out, or at least told you to get that stinky pu outta here now. Maintain your presence on the property with this outdoor pu storage design. All you need are a few bricks. The water can be adjusted to any level around the central storage chamber. Top the thing off with a 3/8 inch ply sheet and a few heavy rocks and you’re all set. This is handy for that semester abroad, you won’t have to worry about topping off the humidor and hey, a few bugs are all good when it comes to wrappers.

Bathtub Gongfu Tray

Bamboo sliding bath tray, amazon.com

This is the sort of gift you can buy for your non-tea drinking spouse with a plan to use it yourself instead. The wineglass holder is the proof you were really thinking of him at the time. But the slats in the middle are genius while you are reading Steepster on your IPad. No catch tray needed, just dump the tea rinse through the slats directly into the tub. I recommend the Apollo 3.0 liter Super Tank to go with this.

Fu Yuan Chang Tong

$1.7 million tong, blog article at essenceoftea.com

Okay, if you really, really want to buy me tea, then we have this early 1900s era tong. It sells for about $1.7 million. If you truly love me, then this is what to get. Anything less, well don’t bother.


  1. Brilliant! Absolutely! And, yes, I, too, am hoping for a million dollar tong from Santa Baby...

  2. I think I am going to have to invest in one of those fancy chairs and a bathtub gongfu tray.

    I kid you not, I have a mini tea boat on the way and I am primarily using it for bathtime gongfoolery ;)

  3. Holidays are coming! Nice list you got here.

  4. Ha, funny stuff. I use climbing brushes with boars hair for mold cleaning, best brushes out there.

  5. Hahah! I'd add a squatty potty in there, gotta get those pu poops coming out like smooth rainbows.