; Cwyn's Death By Tea: Daddy's Drinking Up Our Christmas ;

Thursday, December 24, 2015

Daddy's Drinking Up Our Christmas

This one is dedicated to Hobbes the Half Dipper, and the rest a' ya's too.

Let us review the literature. Nowhere is it written that parents are required to buy the children anything at Christmas. Or on Boxing Day, for that matter. The Commandment reads "honor thy father and mother," which means the whole purpose of the holidays is for the children to buy me tea. Failing that, the holidays are a perfect opportunity to acquire tea for myself while the children watch me check out on Paypal, and for the children to brew up because Mother is tired.

Take a look at the Black Friday tea sales topic on Steepster. Do you readers see any indication that holiday shopping sales are about buying presents for other people? You don't. Some of the best tea authorities and bloggers in the world posted on that topic and not just people wondering how to drink food grade matcha. In fact, the entire first page of the forum is about tea sales and what people bought for themselves. I have an Instagram account with dozens of tea heads posting recent acquisitions who wouldn't dream of buying anything for the wives who aren't required to clean the tea ware anyhow.

Unwashed tea ware by TeaDB
I spent my years in the academy choking on too much Derrida and Foucault, and the idea we construct our own reality. It was all bullshit, but I wasn't dumb. I knew how to listen and how to pretend. One term struck me as worth keeping, which is "discursive regime." This means when Daddy talks, children listen, and what I say goes. And it's Doctor, not Muther or Mummy or Mumsie or Mom or whatever else the kids want to call me. It's Doctor, and what temperature would I like the water for this one? And for the record, the child having a birthday near the holidays is not an indication of any special treatment. It wasn't my fault the kid was born this time of year and certainly not my fault I got pregnant to start with. In a discursive regime, nothing I call reality is up for discussion and the result of my regime is their own personal stability.

All this is why alcoholics invented taverns, so they could get away from the mess and drink in peace.


We tea drunks need to own for ourselves what the alcoholics have got, because after all our tea is as strong, if not stronger, than what they are drinking and we only beat the kids maybe half the time. The problem we tea drinkers have, though, is that we are burdened with an entire tea drinking culture affected by religion, and annoying peaceful religions at that, like Zen or Dao despite the fact that the real religious figures like Buddha are grossly and blissfully overweight and appear to be enjoying themselves as I fully intend to do. Or like Jesus bar Joseph, whose birthday we've decided to celebrate in many countries. When Rabbi Jesus went to a party he made sure to order more wine and command bread and fish to appear from nowhere. Bring us another round. He taught me that the glory isn't in suffering, but in drinking to the very end and on a sponge if I have to. My only problem is I was just born too early for the future of puerh tea houses yet to come.

Yes, the holidays are for brown paper bags of tea.

I did do this.

And for drinking tea with abandon and glorious incontinence which other people will clean up.

Did this too.

And for spending the end of the year bonus on anything except for the kids.

I did NOT do that. Wait, I might have.

I bought my family underwear and they will feel grateful. If not, I have plenty of holiday whining music to play in the background that they can hate on while Mother finishes the gaiwan. Because I've got a good ten steeps left.

Happy Holidays!

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