; Cwyn's Death By Tea: Haiwan Spa ;

Monday, November 19, 2018

Haiwan Spa

Green tea fads are surpassing the ridiculous. Many I do not understand. Green tea beer, anyone? Adding green tea to cosmetic type products has of course been around awhile now. What I really don’t understand about adding green tea to nearly every product in life we consume is the actual green tea. What sort of tea are these people using? Take this product, for instance:

This is a Korean beauty item called Patting Water. Dump a capful of this in a large bowl of water, and then pat your face with the water. I kind of wanted to buy this just to find out what sort of tea might be in it, as I saw a photo on eBay with what suspiciously looked like Korean tea leaf. Who would use a good sejak in soapy water? I bought the yellow one without the green tea instead.

Then, even more inexplicable is this:

Here we have a package of baby wipes. Now, I really must ask you parents of infants: do you wipe your baby’s ass with green tea? I wonder what green tea does on the ass (not gonna bring up the cucumber). I am somewhat deprived in terms of baby wipes because my own son’s ass broke out in a rash at every commercial baby wipe and I had to make wipes myself by sawing a roll of paper towels in half, removing the core and dumping warm water with baby bath and sensitive lotion over it. I didn’t get to enjoy regular baby wipes except now I buy them for myself and they don’t replace Preparation H.

But my singular puerh perspective asks, if I am gonna use green tea on my ass, wouldn’t I want the strongest possible green tea? If green tea has such benefits my ass can’t do without, then I don’t think cheap tea bags will cut it. Why would I buy cheap tea bags for such a purpose when I have more puerh than I can drink in a lifetime? The only difficulty is which puerh to use. Do I use the crap tea I really don’t want to drink, or the best tea I have, considering the importance of my own ass and the need to sit upon it?

I have seen ads for the Jingmai puerh spa and this of course makes perfect sense to me. And I know for a fact that Wilson goes to the Haiwan Spa every year because he sort of admits to it and I can see through those photos of tea ware and tongs he brings home. At a certain age, we all get the same troubles. I know exactly what the Dalai Lama means when he says a good day is a good dump, even if the disappointed young journalist in London looking for rarified wisdom missed the fact he was given some. I don’t know if His Holiness drinks green tea, probably not puerh, but my pu logic dictates that if I really need green tea on or in my ass, stronger is better. If the green tea fad has raised any sort of awareness, the young journalist today might say “oh well I use Dehong for that.”

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