; Cwyn's Death By Tea: Diabeetus ;

Friday, September 29, 2017


Hard to believe another year’s gone by, yet here I am back at the doctor’s office for the dreaded annual check-up. Yes, my blood pressure this year is just fine. I sailed through the usual exam questions, successfully avoiding an internal for yet another year and no, I really do not need the squished boobie test nor that third vial of blood draw because, guess what, I am protected from all that. Yes doctor I drink--and no, not that stuff, I drink Puerh Tea, that is puer not puerh remember, it is in my file look-it UP.

Check-up day is oppressively hot for late September, but I leave the hospital thirsty and fully justified in stopping at the grocery store to buy a nice cold lemonade, dutifully eschewing the latest gleaming bottles of things they call iced tea. Lordy, but they sure find ways to bottle and package what knowing people like me and you can make at home with a simple gaiwan, not really sure who actually buys those things, chilled tea with added god only knows what else in it. That which we ferment at home in crocks and pumidors, glass jars, shoe boxes, plastic bags, Rubbermaid tubs, back patios, rock caves and old socks are the Keys of the Kingdom, my friends.

Driving home took forever, I don’t know what-the-hell-farmer thinks it a good idea to clog the road with a huge tractor going 20 mph backing up cars on a rural road at rush hour. I barely get back in the door to sniff my tea enjoying the warm day on the porch when my Safelink obamafone rings. That’s the phone for old people with 50 free minutes a month, because otherwise no way am I gonna pay a smartphone plan with 2017 teas yet to buy. As long as my out of date browser IPad works, I am good. People can email rather than call. But I have a new doctor now instead of the one I had before for twenty-five years, and the new, younger one has a lot to learn, although I managed to get a full six months prescription of benzos out of her instead of the one month-only scripts I had to call the old doc for every frigging month. So now I can drink puerh all night long and not worry about waking up in time to call the clinic, and my obama minutes last forever. My new doctor just needs to learn to email instead of phoning.

Doctor says, we got your A1-C and you are three points into diabetes. Wut. Yes, you need to do something about that, maybe look at your diet and come back in a month. Those are not my test results, I reassure her. Sorry but I think they are, she says.

How can this be? The urine and blood samples I turn in consist mostly of tea. I make sure of that. We need our doctor appointments and tests to accurately reflect our situation. After I quit lying about all the tea, given how good my blood pressure is, I go in fully stoked on green pu because really, this is mostly why I need to pee anyway. I have confidence now. Yet according to said doctor (PA not MD this time) I must do a half/day self-examination of what can possibly go wrong here. We all know puerh tea completely prevents diabetes (source, pretty much anybody you ask and google it).

No worries, because I got it figured out. First of all, I have a different condition. I have what is called


This is what actors get paid to say on television and are famous for. I am not dumb, and I hear you people with your chit chat and fancy yakking and I lurk at all the sh*t on Face-Book and Red-It, yes I do sometimes. Everyone will tell me this so I might as well say it: it’s the tea and I am drinking the wrong tea. My tea is OOLONGED. It’s the fake puerh with the red around the leaves which turns the tea sweet and nice to drink because the sugars get brought out at the start and the crap doesn’t age. 

Tea like this:

And this:

Not proper puerh, like this:

For sure, yeah I been drinking from booteeks and not from the factories. If you are not finding sufficient numbers of hair, corn, seeds and cigarette butts in your beengs, and if your green tea is even remotely sweet and possible to swallow, you got the wrong puerh tea, friend. The tried and true claims about puerh tea really are not verified for the boutique puerhs, only the factory puerhs, fact, that chop and ashtray are therapeutic effects for real. The proof is you get Diabeetus. See? I listen.

But I am back at you because there is a huge difference between you and me. For now I got Diabeetus and not the real disease of real people, because I am drinking misty mountain, not licking ash tray like the rest of yas. Actually I drink both and I don’t pay much mind as to which is which not because I can’t, but because who the f**k cares??? Well apparently now me because I have to care and do something about Diabeetus and the only possible change I can see the need to make in my life is going from boutique to factory.

So, bottom line this changes my shopping list somewhat for this year. I will need to look for the chopped and dusty-musty rather than the fresh and floral. I am in the market for body hairs and bamboo and plastic strap chunks to boil into what will surely bring me health and longevity and the size 4 body to fit the clothes in my closet. If you don’t believe all this well I can send you my lab tests and we can have a real before and after type scenario next year. Because all this is gonna change once I focus on the true Puerh. Really.


  1. Hi, hang in there. I am, I think, younger than you are, at least I hope so, I am not as cranky as you yet, and have had diabetes type 2 for more than 10 years. No carbs in tea, so as long as you do not add sugar, you can drink as much as you want. Lower the amount of carbs (bread, bagels, donuts, rice, potatoes, grits, etc) that you eat at a time and your A1C will come down, and more important your blood glucose spikes will, and you might outlive your tea stash. Do get a glucose measuring kit and figure out what spikes your blood glucose and avoid eating or drinking that. A1C is average 90 day glucose, if that is high, your food induced spikes are really high and that is the problem, as most people, like me, crash pretty low too after eating carbs. So get a glucose measuring kit, (Sam's club, Wall Mart, Costco have cheap ones) and start poking your finger after eating carbs. And adjust what and how much yea eat in a setting.

    Cheers, Jean K.

    1. Hi Jean. Yeah I don't eat that stuff. Mostly I live on tea. Thanks for reading ;)

  2. I had to lol for a moment..

    I too find myself lurking around the interwebs and reading the chitter chatter to find a sense of place in this transitionary period in the world of puer. Or maybe it's not so transitionary after all. Factory is back! And it's the almighty auténtico.

    Trouble is, I could also care less. Different strokes will always be universal truth and ancient law. Frankly my drinking habits revolve around young and preferably older tree sheng. Main reason is that's what my body and palate asks for. I live in a place that is warm 5 months and HOT an additional 3 months of the year. That's 2/3 of the year for us older fraction taught and bred individuals. I crave fresh, lively, floral, fruity, rooty, slightly bitter and astringent flavors. The cooling sensation that "green tea" has on the body. Even in mid break of sweat I've been amazed how warm tea can cool me down.

    Now I understand why all the talk and preach about older sheng and shou from those in colder European countries or northern US regions. I myself reach for 15+ sheng or good old dank liu an/liu bao during that 1/3 cooler time of year. But I feel fortunate that I can enjoy the full circle, and still intrigued and excited about the possibilities of aged "boutique" green and oolong discs. Fact is, there is enough processing and pressing variation in new teas to convince me it's likely some will age into formidable (real) puer's. Not all, but some.

    For now, I see my new-tique cakes like stocks. I must diversify (types and storage methods) to hopefully come out winning in the future :-).


    1. And people with cooler body types probably turn toward warming shou and well-aged sheng. Problem is, the good stuff ain't cheap no matter what it is.


  3. I don't think I will outlive my stash....just sayin...
    I think the grandson will have a good tea sale one day or a big can full of stuff he doesn't want.

    Good read and I hope the new Doc can get you straight. Not on you but more of you getting her straight.