; Cwyn's Death By Tea: Tong People ;

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Tong People

I'm moving my puerh collection out to the three season porch for the summer humidity season, and testing many of my teas to see how they are coming along. It's tiring moving tea around to preserve a beeng of one tea and half a brick of another merely to keep them tasting their best. Dear Son says my tea habit is out of control, but of course he is just wrong. Today I looked at him and realize I have no idea where he came from. He can't possibly be related to me in any way. And now, I'm fairly certain those humans in all my family photos are not really my parents. That's right. I think I'm one of the Tong People.

Tea vendors keep talking about the Tong People so I know they exist. They are a tribe who buys tea in Tongs only. Tong People are supposedly from someplace in Eastern Europe or maybe Russia. As a matter of fact, I do look rather Eastern European with my olive type skin, and my silver hair used to be dark brown. And I already have a Polish name which no one can possibly be expected to spell. My mother muttered something about Jewish and Hungary once, so I know the people who raised me were covering up something Unacceptable with a story that no one can possibly check out. Other clues: my sister maintains a house in Milwaukee that she doesn't live in, and my brother left on a fishing boat to Bermuda two years ago and never came back. So they clearly must've felt it too. On the Trucker's Radio Network people are calling in to report alien sightings, which leads me to conclude it won't be long now before the Tong People come to get me. On that day, a Brave New World of possibilities will open up.

For one thing, I can finally be relieved of keeping up appearances amongst the local population by pretending that I drink coffee. I will be rid of all those sensible discretions like buying single tea cakes and ridiculous samples. Tong People never buy anything less than a Whole tong, preferably three or more and nobody calls it hoarding. Obviously, storage is simply not an issue. The Land of the Tong People must be a blessedly warm and humid place where people don't have to bother with tea fridges and pumidors, or make do with vintage stoneware crocks and underwear dresser drawers. They just pile tongs up in the living room right out in the open. So a Tong lifestyle gives new meaning to household furniture. I won't need to feel embarrassed anymore when sleeping with my tea, nor hide it from my psychiatrist. I can just place a wood slab right over tong legs and call it a table. Gone too are days living in fear that the Humane Society will take away my cat when he chews on the bamboo and licks the fishy mini shou tuos we all know are really just pet treats for Tong cats.

One reason Tong People buy so much tea is because they drink it all day long as a family. I can finally send out real paper invitations openly to the neighbors to come over for a bowl without worrying about the cops. Or about the landlord calling the fire department. Tongs have deeper reasons that only the Tong People understand. As proof, Honza recently
commented on TeaDB that tea heads really need to drink into a tong to understand a tea. Thus the Tong People have a deeper understanding of tea cakes than anyone else. While I can believe that a good tea is still excellent three cakes in, I don't think a crap tea gets any better the more of it I drink. But in the world of Tong People, money for tea is simply never a budgetary issue. In fact, I will get a tax write-off for my Bad Tea when I donate it to the Salvation Army for shut-ins. And then once a year they will invite me to a really big Chair-a-Tea fundraising event, where I can wear my best dress and show off to everyone how much money I spent on tea, and just how much I gave away this year. People will clap instead of calling my ex-husband.

So whether the tea is bad or good, online tea ordering is a community event with social caché. Nobody ever needs to leave work early in shame, hoping to catch the postman before the spouse sees yet another oversized box from China. Yes sir, that box can arrive openly in all its glory and the neighborhood will rejoice, for at some point everyone will be partaking in that tea order.

mrmopar's dream house.
Naturally this means one will go through tea at a lightning speed, necessitating some work-arounds like phoning instead of email ordering, and calling Tea Vendors in the middle of the night to check for new stock before it gets posted.  Fortunately, most of them appear at the local farmer's market where I can take my pick of sheng vegetables.

Allan's weekend errands.
Old people have a special place amongst Tong People. I will be sure to receive immediate appreciation for the tea stains on my fingers tips I can't seem to wash off. Not to mention all the in-home services available to elderly sheng addicts. Good looking young men in bamboo briefs will visit me at home every day to pour my tea and make sure my gaiwan is polished. And on the day when my end arrives, I will rest at peace receiving all the gods-given rites due a Pu Head, and look forward to frightening small children and would-be grave robbers who try and raid my stash.

Now that the days are here when the Tong People are coming to get me, I am making sure my tea ware is packed and all preparations in order. This didn't take too long since I stopped paying utilities awhile back. But I took the time to visit with my psychiatrist. I told her why I no longer need to take these medications. Sadly, she is jealous of my good fortune or she is just too greedy because she took all my puerh knives. Don't be too surprised, I saw her game all along. Right up to the end all that bitch wanted is to steal my Last Thoughts.

Requiescat in Pace.


  1. Well, tongs are sexi, you now. :) Tong people buy tong +1 cake (or t+2), to avoid having to open tong, before THE TIME.

    1. You speak my language! O.O

    2. A message from the Tong People!

    3. And storing of tongs is not hoarding. It is an ivestment. Thats i say to my wife allways. :)

    4. Cwyn, This made me laugh. I have needed something to smile about after this weekend. Saturdays delivery was brought in via the back window so I wouldn't get caught. In the picture you forgot the secondary storage behind the house...

    5. Oh crap, I would need to enlarge the forklift in that case. Thanks for checking in, John. Hang in there and I will tell the Tong People to go back and get you just as long as I make it to the heavenly gates first. ;)

    6. Not yet bought a tong; haven't found a pu'er I like quite that much yet! Also, there's the issue of storage...Maryland gets plenty humid this time of year, but I'm sure the dogs would lend it a poor flavor.